04/05/2015 Fuck it, let’s go to Phuket (pronounced poo-ket, not fucket like I’d originally hoped).
Now, in my travel journal this next journey is actually my longest entry in the whole book, which I’m sure says something about me/about the trip/about negativity in general, but our journey from Koh Phangnan to Phuket was the worst 18 hours of my life. And I’ve sat through a Honey Boo Boo marathon (who am I kidding, I initiated that marathon. Correction: worse than me forcing you to sit through a Honey Boo Boo marathon). Yeah, this journey was terrible. Being up early enough to catch the beautiful sunrise was the peak of the day. It was just downhill from here on out…
Go to Phuket they said, you’ll be there by 2:30pm they said, air conditioned bus and private taxi they said. What ‘they said’ roughly translated to a load of bollocks.
Getting off the ferry and watching them throw hundreds of backpacks into a pile, I’m keeping my eye out for that tie-dye girl from The Parent Trap who’s going to dive straight in and pull mine out like some multicoloured guardian angel. Unfortunately, she was nowhere to be seen. Neither were Kath or Annah, as they hid in the corner applying their factor 50 because we’d been in the sunshine for approx. 2 mins 47 seconds. When we loaded onto our first bus, which I aptly named the party bus, I thought this was going to be the best trip of our lives.
Nothing says travelling in style like bright pink seats and a lounging sofa. The dream soon ended when we were demanded off the party bus and into the back of some blokes four by four. We went about 100mph down the road to some shack. In said shack there were a handful of seats, there was one single fan, a woman cooking noodles, a man trying to sell us more tours and sticking more stickers onto our ‘boobies’ (his choice of word, not mine) and more and more confused travellers turning up in other forms of transport.
After a three hour wait at this shack with some Thai bloke talking to me about Yorkshire Puddings, our NON air-conditioned bus arrived and pulled up parallel to my sadness for this journey.
When we eventually entered the bright lights of Phuket, I felt myself nearly transform into one of those tragic people that claps when the EasyJet plane lands in Marbella. Don’t worry, I held it in. After six modes of transport and 18 hours, we made it to the Banana Leaf.
05/05/2015 Our pasty skin was screaming for some proper sun. We grabbed our towels, our underwater cameras and headed in the direction of the sand. Phuket was kinda disappointing with it’s murky water considering we’d just come from the white sand and crystal clear shores of Koh Phangnan. We hitched a boat ride over to Paradise Island, where we were promised emerald green waters and fishes. As we paid and arranged a pick up time with our new bezzie boat mate, he handed us some snorkels and we splashed our way to paradise.
Pulling up to Paradise Island in our lil fishing boat, it was truly like something off of a postcard. Somewhere I’d never even dream of being a reality. But there it was, in all it’s sandy beauty. We soon swapped our snorkels for the best smoothies we’ve ever tasted. Now I dunno if we were dehydrated or whether we hadn’t tasted real flavours in a while or what, but they were so good that I have the need to write how good they were… 7 months after I drank it…
Walking back along the bay with our feet in the waves was when we saw it. And by ‘it’, I mean the Miley Cyrus wrecking ball swing hanging down from a tree branch. This was it. This was my only chance to fully embrace my inner Miley. As Annah put two buns in my hair and Grace got the camera ready I jumped on.
My life was complete. And then our little matey returned for our sunset boat ride home after a day in paradise.
It was time to experience Phuket’s Bangla Road. Which was kinda like Magaluf’s strip but with more ping pong shows and ladyboys, equal amount of shitty clubs and drink offers. We somehow ended up at this cabaret show… We’re suckers for a free entry. And it wasn’t too terrible until we saw a 40 year old couple on the dance floor in matching white outfits grinding on each other whilst a woman in a shoddy blonde wig pretended to be Britney Spears. It was all pretty tragic tbh. I didn’t even know people still grinded in clubs.
We made mates with someone that looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo and then we found a praying Ronald MacDonald on our walk home that looks like the picture of me finding myself at the full moon party.
Phuket, it’s been a pleasure.